I’m so sorry for abandoning you.
I’ve been extremely, extremely busy.
Last week, I had a performance at my acting school that I absolutely slayed. I killed it. Owned it. Made it my bitch. I missed performing so fucking much. It was… delicious. Theatre will always be my true love. But a girl has got to eat… (Story of my life currently, on so. many. levels.)
On Monday, I signed with a non-union talent agency and on Tuesday I signed with a union agency. My phone conference with the president of my union agency today went awesome. Everyone I’m working with is very excited and I am thrilled, of course. My headshot and comp card really kick ass. My resume, with my years of theatre (musical theatre being my forte), my hosting gig for the Arcade Odyssey live podcasts, intensive acting training at an amazing acting school, years of TV Production in high school (school news anchor)… is strong. Real strong. Lots of positive feedback. They love my look, they think I’m adorable, etc etc
I’ve also been flirting with the idea of producing my own web series. I haven’t been writing, which pisses me off, but I’ve been busy with acting so I let it slide.
On the flip side, I have about $30 bones in my bank account and a low tank of gas. I went in for my third interview with the City and they offered me a paltry 3 hours a day, 1pm-4pm. Right in the smack dab middle, leaving me unable to go to castings… Not to mention the drug test. Noooooo…
I left my nightmare old job as an Events Coordinator after being sexually harassed by a manger (I still have all documentations and emails from HR) and then being harassed by management and eventually demoted. They didn’t even tell me to my face. I was out of the office after having had worked 10 days in a row (including my moving day. *sigh*) and my former boss (who is actually still my good close friend and mentor Felix) was the one who relayed the message. *angst*
So acting classes have been put on a little hold for now. Obviously.
Time to keep applying.
Can you say starving artist?
My family has been helping me, and thank God for that.
Most of the time, though, I’m kind of seized by this choking panic. Today, I felt numb, floating in a void. No crying or screaming today.
I chanted and prayed a lot and basically prostrated myself at the foot of the universe and whatever kind, benevolent being/ascended master that cared to listen.
Jesus take the wheel. But also Ganesha, Buddha, St. Germaine, Kwan Yin…
My friends and family are telling me to be positive. To keep trying. It’s been so fucking hard to keep the faith. Sometimes their words just slide down me like water.
I promise to pay back all their love and hope a million fold.
Half of me is thrilled, happy, excited. My career is incredibly young yet so full of promise. This is what I have always dreamed of and know in my heart that I was made for this. This is what brings me fully alive. I am a gifted actress. I am an inspired performer.
The other half is a scared, negative neurotic mess. I am my own worst enemy and I stress myself out all. the. time. A lot of times I just want to give up. On my life. I fantasize about being sedated for weeks at a time, just to not have to deal with being awake. Did I ever mention that I have insomnia?
There’s a war going on inside of me.
I’ll admit that it’s easier to be negative. If you defeat yourself, hey, at least it’s not the world or life defeating you, right?
But, straight up, I am so fucking sick of feeling that way.
I’m going to make it all work out, even if it’s the last thing I do.
It just might be.